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Friday, November 18, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
A Veil
A bride's veil. A tiny piece of fabric woven just so...worn to signify in ancient times purity, to keep the devils and bad spirits from taking a virgin's soul.
A bride's veil, short to signify flirtation, sexual innuendo, playfulness. Aa long veil used to enshroud a woman, a sense of mystere is evoked as attendents await the moment the layer is pulled back to reveal the beaute. So as women, a generation filled with women who fight for equality and recognition, do we don our veil of uncertainty at a proud moment? Why do we hide our true faces from our guests? What secrets are we hiding from ourselves that we wear our veils? What are we afraid of?
18 Days and Counting...
I love October. The weather is charming and beautiful, the sun is the perfect shade of warm, the sky the brightest blue, the grass is just elegant. I feel like everything is coming alive after a harsh winter (read: summer). I'm glad I finally have the confidence to enjoy days like today...it made a regular Sunday afternoon so much easier to enjoy. The half a dozen friends and a couple of fancy beers surely helped and I feel much calmer, and even sleepy for the first time in a few weeks.
I'm 18 days away from tying the knot with my lover boy. Yep, less than three weeks away from our big day. I'm VERY excited, a little nervous, and my mind is racing a mile a minute with all of the things I have left to do. I'm glad I took on so many project early on though...I feel as though our wedding is more personalized this way, like I'm more involved than someone else doing everything for me, leaving me feeling a sense of accomplishment. I think this is the most important aspect since I feel so drab and lacking in accomplishments in my day job. It's so unrewarding to be a drone, doing the same thing over and over, day in and day out at the same miserable place after the same miserably slow drive every morning and evening. Sure, efficiency is something of a high for me when I find the perfect rhythm...but it's also when things become mindless and unchallenging the most. I need some spice in my life or I may just go crazy.
This must be why I feel the overwhelming need to keep learning new arts and crafts, to master the art of cake baking and decorating in two diet dialects in less than three weeks, and to sew Halloween costumes for everyone I meet in one week. Totally realistic right? For those of you I've promised a cake tasting party, don't discount me just yet...I have a habit of surprising people when they least expect it. So in the meantime I'll continue doing research on the web (this thing is so awesome, I can do anything if I give myself some time to read and learn, and watch a Youtube video!), then try, and hopefully execute my goal instead of failing. *sigh* On that note, I think I'll get some rest before I turn the kitchen into a war zone testing out the latest version of gluten free chocolate cake and Italian buttercream frosting ala Martha Stewart. You know with her name on a recipe it will include the use of multiple appliances, a candy thermometer, and multiple tries to get it juuuust right. But I'm feeling positive and good. I can do anything, remember?
I'm 18 days away from tying the knot with my lover boy. Yep, less than three weeks away from our big day. I'm VERY excited, a little nervous, and my mind is racing a mile a minute with all of the things I have left to do. I'm glad I took on so many project early on though...I feel as though our wedding is more personalized this way, like I'm more involved than someone else doing everything for me, leaving me feeling a sense of accomplishment. I think this is the most important aspect since I feel so drab and lacking in accomplishments in my day job. It's so unrewarding to be a drone, doing the same thing over and over, day in and day out at the same miserable place after the same miserably slow drive every morning and evening. Sure, efficiency is something of a high for me when I find the perfect rhythm...but it's also when things become mindless and unchallenging the most. I need some spice in my life or I may just go crazy.
This must be why I feel the overwhelming need to keep learning new arts and crafts, to master the art of cake baking and decorating in two diet dialects in less than three weeks, and to sew Halloween costumes for everyone I meet in one week. Totally realistic right? For those of you I've promised a cake tasting party, don't discount me just yet...I have a habit of surprising people when they least expect it. So in the meantime I'll continue doing research on the web (this thing is so awesome, I can do anything if I give myself some time to read and learn, and watch a Youtube video!), then try, and hopefully execute my goal instead of failing. *sigh* On that note, I think I'll get some rest before I turn the kitchen into a war zone testing out the latest version of gluten free chocolate cake and Italian buttercream frosting ala Martha Stewart. You know with her name on a recipe it will include the use of multiple appliances, a candy thermometer, and multiple tries to get it juuuust right. But I'm feeling positive and good. I can do anything, remember?
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Exhausting
What a week.
I lost my best friend two days ago. Wooby. He was 18. Yep, my cat was 18 years and 2 months old. Most people will never understand what he meant to me...I'm still discovering some of my feelings. But ultimately, I miss him. I miss how he purrs when I hold him. I miss his little coo he would make when he saw me getting his food out for him. I miss how he would yell at me in response to my questions. He would follow me around the house, we'd chat, cuddle, play, I'd rub the white hair off me after he rubbed it on. I miss how he'd lick the tears off my face when I cried. Especially because I'm spending some time crying about him now...and I don't have someone I can hold that comforts me quite the way he did.
I knew the time was right when he turned down his food and could no longer get himself up into a standing or sitting position. I knew when he looked at me and meowed the painful meow while Drew drove us to the vet. I knew the moment he took his last breath and laid his head on my stomach. He looked at me then as if to tell me "thank you". I cried again.
In fact, I've spent a lot of nights crying over him. He was the little engine that could, lived MANY lives longer than he possibly should have. Between bloody battles with other cats in the neighborhood, dark nights crossing a busy street filled with teenage drivers, a couple of poison incidents, colds, fevers, heat stroke...I believe that it was because we had only each other that he knew to keep fighting. And I cried every time thinking I'd lose him. This time, well, I feel that maybe he knew I had someone else to take care of and to take care of me. I think he knew it was time to move on.
We get to pick up his ashes this week...I have an urn to place them in and the last paw prints of his from when he died. I've been meaning to get them since I was little. I'll get a tattoo with them on my chest so people will finally know that the little cat (not a kangaroo) is for Wooby. There will always be an empty space where his food bowl has been for years. I don't know how long until I stop cuddling with the pillow where he used to lay. I wonder when the other animals will stop looking for him in his hiding places. I'm sure I'll cry from time to time. And I do know that I will always love him.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Inspired
"How was your day?"
Oh, same ol'. How was your day?
"The usual. What's for dinner?"
Not sure, probably something in the freezer. What sounds good.
"Not that hungry. I'll figure something out."
Our life, our conversations, our intimacy, our emotions. This is the exact point at which they became moot, non-existant, avoided. So we sat. And we watched sitcoms and movies and commercials, and more sitcoms. And we forgot to talk. But we fought. We remembered to do that.
I'd wander back inside my thoughts and explore for a few hours after the fight ended and he disappeared after slamming the door. It's always more peaceful in here, even though my thoughts are always in a state of turmoil. It's oddly calming, even the anxiety is relaxing. It reminds me that I can feel...even if the feelings are only dreadful and dark. So I swallow the big white pill that I know society has forced down my throat, with my dirty, foul-smelling tap water, chase it with a benadryl, and lay back to watch the fan spin.
*ring ring*
Hello.
"Valerie?"
This is she.
"Hey is Lisa, you have a minute?"
Of course, how are you?
"Great! Hey, I have an opening. It's for a design firm in Scottsdale. They need a receptionist. The position is long-term temp."
Ok, where in Scottsdale.
"North. Way North."
Ok, does it pay well? What are the hours?
"It pays very well, more than what you're minimum is. It's 8-5, Monday through Friday. They need someone today. Do you think you can be there at 10?"
I need to shower. I can be there at noon.
"Great, ask for Myra Allen. I'll email you directions."
Awesome, thank you. I appreciate the call.
"Oh, well, just to let you know...they don't have the, um, greatest retention rate. So if you don't like it, well, I completely understand."
I'm sure it's fine. It sounds easy enough.
*ding*
"May I help you?"
I'm looking for Myra Allen. Is she available?
"No. Are you the temp?"
I am, yes.
My first day of my new (temporary) job. It's July 2010 and I've been through the toughest two years of my life. No steady job, can't pay the bills, unemployment runs out, boyfriend is tired of paying the rent and utilities alone...so I succumb. It's not so bad really, the pay is pretty damn good and although there aren't benefits, I at least have my COBRA for a few more months. Plus, there's always an opportunity the temp job will turn permanent. At least that's what these agencies have been telling me for two years.
"We do soft transfers here. Do you understand?"
Yes, I'm familiar.
"Have you used a multi-line phone system? We have ten lines."
Yes, I have.
"Ok, here's your login, here's my extension. Let me know if you have any questions."
Where's the restroom?
"Straight forward. There's a fridge in the kitchen for your lunch, which you'll take at noon."
Great. Thanks!
"Notify Elaine and Lorraine when you're going. If they're not here, you'll stay to cover phones until they get back."
Ok, sounds great.
It's a pretty sweet gig. I get paid twice as much as I did managing retail and being on my feet all day. And all I have to do is answer the phone calls, transfer them, and get back to my Facebook account. And stay awake.
Two hours later, three calls. More coffee. More Facebook. Oh my god my brain is going to turn to mush. How long can I handle this?
"Hi."
Hello.
"'Mornin'"
Good Morning.
"Do you know if there are any York Patties?"
I don't, let me check the candy drawer.
*ring ring*
How may I direct your call...one moment please...he's away from his desk, would you like his voicemail?
"I'm not sure what kind of chocolate I'm in the mood for today, any suggestions?"
Kit Kat?
"It's just my after lunch snack."
It's ok, I like Snicker's too.
*ring ring*
He's unavailable this afternoon, would you like his voicemail?
"I'm just taking a few pieces for my son, he got an A on his test today!"
Congratulations.
It went on...for six weeks. The extent of my conversation was to answer and transfer phone calls, and to advise on the next guilty candy jar visit. Kill me.
Not everyone understands what it's like to be a temporary employee. More people know now in the down economy than ever before though. There are more of us now, waiting, staring blank at the ceiling, wasting our potential and craving sudden death by building collapse or heart attack at 24. Only the lucky few get out alive, or dead, depending on preference. I remember that call like it was today. Jumping out of bed after watching the fan spin for a half an hour after he left for work angry at me again. I know I've failed, I feel like I've failed, people look at me and treat me like I've failed. The foodstamps and unemployment cancellation letter and credit card default letter remind me, constantly, that I've failed. If the walls could talk they'd remind me that I'm still failing even as I'm hoping, wishing, and applying to every job in the Phoenix Metro Area. Fuck my life.
"Good Morning."
'Mornin'
"Bob in yet?"
Haven't seen him.
"I need you to run to the mailbox."
Ok, I'll do that now.
*ring ring*
May I ask who's calling? One moment please.
Day, after day, after day...so I start writing again. I think, wow, my life is so boring, if I could just insert my satirical comments and know someone, somewhere is laughing, I would feel like I have some potential. Anybody? I wish I lived in a TV Sitcom script...life would be so much easier...
Oh, same ol'. How was your day?
"The usual. What's for dinner?"
Not sure, probably something in the freezer. What sounds good.
"Not that hungry. I'll figure something out."
Our life, our conversations, our intimacy, our emotions. This is the exact point at which they became moot, non-existant, avoided. So we sat. And we watched sitcoms and movies and commercials, and more sitcoms. And we forgot to talk. But we fought. We remembered to do that.
I'd wander back inside my thoughts and explore for a few hours after the fight ended and he disappeared after slamming the door. It's always more peaceful in here, even though my thoughts are always in a state of turmoil. It's oddly calming, even the anxiety is relaxing. It reminds me that I can feel...even if the feelings are only dreadful and dark. So I swallow the big white pill that I know society has forced down my throat, with my dirty, foul-smelling tap water, chase it with a benadryl, and lay back to watch the fan spin.
*ring ring*
Hello.
"Valerie?"
This is she.
"Hey is Lisa, you have a minute?"
Of course, how are you?
"Great! Hey, I have an opening. It's for a design firm in Scottsdale. They need a receptionist. The position is long-term temp."
Ok, where in Scottsdale.
"North. Way North."
Ok, does it pay well? What are the hours?
"It pays very well, more than what you're minimum is. It's 8-5, Monday through Friday. They need someone today. Do you think you can be there at 10?"
I need to shower. I can be there at noon.
"Great, ask for Myra Allen. I'll email you directions."
Awesome, thank you. I appreciate the call.
"Oh, well, just to let you know...they don't have the, um, greatest retention rate. So if you don't like it, well, I completely understand."
I'm sure it's fine. It sounds easy enough.
*ding*
"May I help you?"
I'm looking for Myra Allen. Is she available?
"No. Are you the temp?"
I am, yes.
My first day of my new (temporary) job. It's July 2010 and I've been through the toughest two years of my life. No steady job, can't pay the bills, unemployment runs out, boyfriend is tired of paying the rent and utilities alone...so I succumb. It's not so bad really, the pay is pretty damn good and although there aren't benefits, I at least have my COBRA for a few more months. Plus, there's always an opportunity the temp job will turn permanent. At least that's what these agencies have been telling me for two years.
"We do soft transfers here. Do you understand?"
Yes, I'm familiar.
"Have you used a multi-line phone system? We have ten lines."
Yes, I have.
"Ok, here's your login, here's my extension. Let me know if you have any questions."
Where's the restroom?
"Straight forward. There's a fridge in the kitchen for your lunch, which you'll take at noon."
Great. Thanks!
"Notify Elaine and Lorraine when you're going. If they're not here, you'll stay to cover phones until they get back."
Ok, sounds great.
It's a pretty sweet gig. I get paid twice as much as I did managing retail and being on my feet all day. And all I have to do is answer the phone calls, transfer them, and get back to my Facebook account. And stay awake.
Two hours later, three calls. More coffee. More Facebook. Oh my god my brain is going to turn to mush. How long can I handle this?
"Hi."
Hello.
"'Mornin'"
Good Morning.
"Do you know if there are any York Patties?"
I don't, let me check the candy drawer.
*ring ring*
How may I direct your call...one moment please...he's away from his desk, would you like his voicemail?
"I'm not sure what kind of chocolate I'm in the mood for today, any suggestions?"
Kit Kat?
"It's just my after lunch snack."
It's ok, I like Snicker's too.
*ring ring*
He's unavailable this afternoon, would you like his voicemail?
"I'm just taking a few pieces for my son, he got an A on his test today!"
Congratulations.
It went on...for six weeks. The extent of my conversation was to answer and transfer phone calls, and to advise on the next guilty candy jar visit. Kill me.
Not everyone understands what it's like to be a temporary employee. More people know now in the down economy than ever before though. There are more of us now, waiting, staring blank at the ceiling, wasting our potential and craving sudden death by building collapse or heart attack at 24. Only the lucky few get out alive, or dead, depending on preference. I remember that call like it was today. Jumping out of bed after watching the fan spin for a half an hour after he left for work angry at me again. I know I've failed, I feel like I've failed, people look at me and treat me like I've failed. The foodstamps and unemployment cancellation letter and credit card default letter remind me, constantly, that I've failed. If the walls could talk they'd remind me that I'm still failing even as I'm hoping, wishing, and applying to every job in the Phoenix Metro Area. Fuck my life.
"Good Morning."
'Mornin'
"Bob in yet?"
Haven't seen him.
"I need you to run to the mailbox."
Ok, I'll do that now.
*ring ring*
May I ask who's calling? One moment please.
Day, after day, after day...so I start writing again. I think, wow, my life is so boring, if I could just insert my satirical comments and know someone, somewhere is laughing, I would feel like I have some potential. Anybody? I wish I lived in a TV Sitcom script...life would be so much easier...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Bridezilla has made an appearance...
It's a wonder anyone ever makes it to their own wedding without a wedding planner. The big things are easy, but the details? That's where everything seems to become overwhelming. Only a few times in my life have been more stressful than deciding which invitations I want, finding one I like that Drew likes, finding wording that we both like that doesn't offend family/friends/kids, arguing about the semantics, and then losing the spot you want to say your vows and having to start all over again.
Now that we DON'T have that out of the way lets get to the shoes!
Apparently every bride has smaller feet than the size they usually wear. Which means those of us who already wear 10s get to choose between size 11 atrocities without any style, no comfort, and they don't match ANYTHING for under $200. It's a good thing I didn't have to pay for the lengthening of my dress because it's a fucking quest to find the right pair of shoes.
The good news is that my dress, the bridesmaid dresses, and the grooms tuxes have been picked out. Now we just have to fit Drew into one :)
Ok, I'm still excited <3
Now that we DON'T have that out of the way lets get to the shoes!
Apparently every bride has smaller feet than the size they usually wear. Which means those of us who already wear 10s get to choose between size 11 atrocities without any style, no comfort, and they don't match ANYTHING for under $200. It's a good thing I didn't have to pay for the lengthening of my dress because it's a fucking quest to find the right pair of shoes.
The good news is that my dress, the bridesmaid dresses, and the grooms tuxes have been picked out. Now we just have to fit Drew into one :)
Ok, I'm still excited <3
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Candy Addict
Anyone that knows me OBVIOUSLY knows how MUCH I love Mill Avenue in Tempe. It's where I instantly fell in love with the city; Hippie Gypsy, Metalhead at the Library on Thursday nights, Rula Bula and their craic...it's where I met the love of my life and where we celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays, holidays...and where we'll be getting married!
This weekend is Tempe Festival of the Arts. I only know because of Facebook (go figure). So since I've missed it every year since moving here (except wandering through the tents in the middle of the night after a Slice's visit) I finally had the day and time to go! To celebrate our birthday weekend we decided to ride the light rail in and wander around for a few hours.
I found several great booths to visit, several online shoppes to keep in mind, and a few beautiful necklace ideas for the wedding. On our travels and right after visiting the new taco shop and being mildly filled we stepped outside of the swing gates to the brick sidewalk.
And there it was...Candy Addict. The whole store filled with the candies and influences of many generations of kids back when penny candy was really just a penny instead of a dollar. Back when the candy cigarettes and chew were acceptable, before drug abuse education and rehab. I got a little teary eyed, not gonna lie. I was choked up just being in the store with all of my favorite candies from when I was a kid, things I haven't eaten in over a decade! Being that it's my birthday and I'm already feeling another day wiser and more comfortable in my skin I was already in a wonderful and emotional mood.
I then happened upon the bulk candy aisle...I went a little nuts. $15.66 later I walked out with 2 lbs of candy, two of each flavor, one for me, one for Drew, so we can experience each other's favorites as a child together and enjoy the memories together. But hey, birthday money rocks and all of the bills are paid so why the hell not!? My shoulder is a little sore from the added baggage in my purse being carried around for hours during our stops and visits but just thinking of the quality time that I'll be able to spend with my future hubs is more precious than money can buy.
This weekend is Tempe Festival of the Arts. I only know because of Facebook (go figure). So since I've missed it every year since moving here (except wandering through the tents in the middle of the night after a Slice's visit) I finally had the day and time to go! To celebrate our birthday weekend we decided to ride the light rail in and wander around for a few hours.
I found several great booths to visit, several online shoppes to keep in mind, and a few beautiful necklace ideas for the wedding. On our travels and right after visiting the new taco shop and being mildly filled we stepped outside of the swing gates to the brick sidewalk.
And there it was...Candy Addict. The whole store filled with the candies and influences of many generations of kids back when penny candy was really just a penny instead of a dollar. Back when the candy cigarettes and chew were acceptable, before drug abuse education and rehab. I got a little teary eyed, not gonna lie. I was choked up just being in the store with all of my favorite candies from when I was a kid, things I haven't eaten in over a decade! Being that it's my birthday and I'm already feeling another day wiser and more comfortable in my skin I was already in a wonderful and emotional mood.
I then happened upon the bulk candy aisle...I went a little nuts. $15.66 later I walked out with 2 lbs of candy, two of each flavor, one for me, one for Drew, so we can experience each other's favorites as a child together and enjoy the memories together. But hey, birthday money rocks and all of the bills are paid so why the hell not!? My shoulder is a little sore from the added baggage in my purse being carried around for hours during our stops and visits but just thinking of the quality time that I'll be able to spend with my future hubs is more precious than money can buy.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Whoa! Where did the time go?
So it's obviously been MONTHS since I've had the opportunity (made the time) to update this page. A lot has happened since last July. Lawsuit settled. Painted walls. Moved back into our home. Spent a weekend away for the new bathroom installation. Got the full time position at work. Sold some homes. Drew and I both got promoted. Drew got some landscape side jobs. Thanksgiving with BOTH of our families meeting for the first time. Christmas (just the 6 of us). New Years in Glendale with great new friends. Engagement in January. Grape Ring Pop! Real Ring shopping. Ring design and finish (oh the anticipation). Countless nights out with great friends. Wedding dress shopping. Janella's my maid of honor. Kurt is Drews' best man. Wedding dress purchased. Bridesmaid dresses purchased. And now our birthdays.
No wonder I'm tired!!!
There are a dozen other things that have happened since my last update and are currently ongoing. My oldest nephew Travis is battling a chronic pain disorder at 17. Research and advice will be shared periodically.
My baby brother and his wife celebrated their one year anniversary....and their first pregancy! They are expecting a precious baby girl in August, just in time for my sister's birthday and our 3 year anniversary of our first laying eyes on each other. And my proclamation of "I want that one" when first seeing Drew. It's amazing the pathways life offers.
Anywho, it's been a long week and I'm off to bed. I must rest up for birthday weekend, which starts promptly at 8am Friday March 25th :D
Night all!
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