Alternative Music

Emotion.  A little angry, a little sad, a modicum of happiness and a heaping helpful of frustration.  What do I stand for?  Today, I don’t know.  Today, I am incapable of motivation.  Incapable of one emotion.  Incapable of pushing through it.  A moment.  I just need a moment.  A quiet corner without chewing, without talking, without money and hunger and thirst.  Beneath primitive needs, beneath cultural needs that just aren’t necessary.  Where am I today?  What do I do to get back to good? 

I push you away.  I pull myself the opposite direction then yearn for some warmth.

I can’t tolerate the cold yet it’s the only place it seems to be quiet.

I fall to my knees and sink in.

A little down, a little cringe, a modicum of happiness and a heaping helpful of resentment.  What do I stand for?  Yesterday, I thought I knew.  Yesterday I had a goal.  I’d made a decision, I could push through.  I was focused and prepared for anything…but today.  Today I need a moment, just one minute to myself to find my voice and scream.  The only thing that runs constant is music…a little melody to narrate the story of my life, one that only I can hear.  Where do I go to get back to yesterday?

I push myself away, then pull everything behind me and drag it down.

I can’t tolerate the cold, yet it’s the only place that makes warm feel warm enough.

I fall to my knees in my dreams and keep falling.

A little tired, some relief, a modicum of relaxation and a heaping helpful of expectation.  What will I stand for?  Tomorrow, what will I know?  Today I have a goal.  Tomorrow, I don’t know.  I think I’ll begin.  Begin to stand up, ease the bruising on my knees.  Begin to breathe in after my scream, begin to sigh with relief.  Today, I will turn up the music, turn up the beat, turn up the corners of my mouth and smile through.  Today’s little melody will drown out yesterdays and I’ll get back to knowing one thing.  I’ll know where I came from, and that I don’t want to go back. 

I push myself.  I’ll pull myself up. 

I can’t tolerate the cold, but I’m warm enough for now.

My knees are weak, but I won’t fall.

Today I will dance instead.